I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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