she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
