I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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