My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
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