I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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