I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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