The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize