Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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