I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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