Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
