I wish I could teleport
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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