Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
