I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
