The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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