Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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