People in love make me want to vomit
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I've blown a few things in my day
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
