toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
