the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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