I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
