I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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