Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
