i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
