I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
