you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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