I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
