the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
