Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
