I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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