I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
