I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
