I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's blow job season.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
