Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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