I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
