I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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