So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
