As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
