I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
