Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Your tits are I can't wait for
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
This house was built for laser tag.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Shame - the story of my life.
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