she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
