I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
