Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
