you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
