my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
