she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
