Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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