I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
