So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
