is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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