Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
