my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
