Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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