i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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