that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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