I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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