i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
