wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
