I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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