Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
