I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
