when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
