That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
