11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
