Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
