never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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