Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
