So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
