I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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