Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
