moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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