Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
