I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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