If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
And then he peed in my hair
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
