I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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